We Made It…

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I could barely move this morning. Quite literally. Yesterday was very much the same. Every little movement reminds me of that instantly. This journey is a non-negotiable however. I don’t care if I have to do air reps(like today)…they will all get done.

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My first exercise of the morning is stairs. It’s the first thing you must accomplish to get into our gym as it’s on the upper level. I start my routine with a little cardio, and that’s basically all we have for that…all that I can do anyway.

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The first couple of days, running the stairs was relatively easy…but not today…or yesterday.

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My first step onto them both days, was 100% like 🤬!! Not happening.

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Doesn’t matter, they will get done, even if I have to crawl them…but guess what…after several reps walking them, my legs started lining out, and I was able to run them again, each morning…just to get my heart rate up.

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Mission accomplished. The first step is always the hardest.

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Everything has went pretty smooth with this newfound journey given my circumstances. This pic was during my last exercise of the day yesterday, and holy. shit. was it a struggle. I dont know what it was called, but it literally took everything I had to finish the reps. My entire body was shaking, much like you can imagine a queer eating a hot dog would look like…as I went through all of my sets. This morning doing lunges, I’m sure looked very much the same, but I had to drop all weights just to finish with air reps.

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Guess what though?

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This new pain I’m experiencing has mostly taken my mind off of my normal, everyday back pain…and I’ll take that 1000x’s over.

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I wanted to write this down, so I can find it more easily. I’ve had to ask Sam a dozen times over the years how many surgery’s I’ve had, simply because it’s all a blur to me…for multiple reasons. There’s been at least 6 in the past 7yrs, one’s that we can remember for sure.

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1. Initial emergency.

2. Reopening of incision from infection, and installation of wound-vac.

3. Removal of wound-vac, and closure of wound.

4. Partial broken hardware removal.

5. More broken hardware removal(remainder) & stenosis.

6. Stenosis #2.

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As I got home this morning I began reminiscing about everything I’ve been through in the last 7yrs. All I could think was…how in the fuck can someone endure so much…and come out standing on the other end of all that adversity and darkness? How could my wife, and my family, have endured the same hardship…and come out as relatively unscathed as we did? We didn’t.

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It fucked us up pretty bad. It overwhelms me to even think about how hard it most definitely was on my wife…and my family. Extreme pain and suffering is difficult to endure, no doubt. However, watching someone you love endure such hardship, is even harder. Believe it or not… this is something we all must know and understand, wether we’ve experienced it firsthand or not.

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While all of the surgery’s seem overwhelming to even think about…it’s what took place during, and in between all of them…that fucked us up probably the most.

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Opioid drug addiction…and everything that comes with that.

Lyme Disease…learning what it even was, and how to kill it.

Alcoholism…thinking it was helping, when I knew damn well that it wasn’t.

And the final battle…deep depression…the other silent killer that no one wants to admit they’re struggling with, or talk about. This was probably the worst of it all for me. I’ll write more about it as I see fit.

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It took all of that and then some, that I’m sure I’ve forgotten about over the years, to learn the lessons I needed to carry on in this life.

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When the student is ready…the teacher appears.

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When I began thinking about some of this yesterday, and even more today…the magnitude of it all hit me hard. It was the first time I have looked back on these experiences…with a very clear mind. Instead of running from it all, and trying to numb myself to these realities, I am facing them all. And I am embracing them all. There’s no more running away and hiding. It’s all in the open, and it’s now all in the past. Time to build what I am supposed to be.

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All of these experiences undoubtedly made me who I am today, and for the first time in my life, I can honestly say that I love this person…simply because of what I learned about myself through all of these shitty experiences. I accept and embrace it all…as me…who I am. I wouldn’t change me having to endure any of these experiences either, because it’s obviously how I learn best. The hard way. I’m just so beyond lucky that Sam truly knew who was on the inside, and what I am capable of…and that she chose to endure through it all with me. Waiting as patiently as one could. She truly is an angel sent from above. There’s no one like her. NO ONE.

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I messaged Sam yesterday that “We made it”. Wether she fully comprehends or realizes that isn’t for me to decide. I know she has her doubt’s, just like everyone else who knows me personally. And that’s perfectly ok…I get that 1000%, as I too would still have my caution flags up. I can tell her shit all day long, just like I’ve done so many times in the past, or I can show her all day long what thing’s are going to look like going forward.

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Eventually she’ll understand that it’s over….we made it. After a very long, and very unpleasant 7+yrs now…WE MADE IT. 🦅🇺🇸🦅