My Angel

Thinking back on this past year will always humble me.

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It didn’t go like I wanted it to, not by any means. I’ll never forget the second day after my last surgery, 1yr ago today. After pushing it a little too far, simply because I was feeling good in the moment(drugs)…and then not being able to get off my back and out of my bed the following day.

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This angel came home to check on me and I couldn’t move. I remember breaking down inside, and out…feeling so hopeless. My abled body that I had in my youth was gone…or so I believed. I’m pretty sure I told her to “leave me alone, I’ll figure it out.” She may have left in the moment, but she’s never left me. Ever. What I’ve been through and experienced is difficult no doubt, but watching someone you love go through hardship…10x’s worse…no doubt. Add at least another 5 to that when you see them self-sabotaging themselves, and not living up to their potential. 🙋‍♂️

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Still, that moment wasn’t enough for me to make a change. My bottom would come many many months later, almost a year later. A culmination of life’s beatings and my own beatings, month after month, year after year, finally took me to the ground…for the count.

7yrs of pure bullshit. I put her and our family through that. I set the tone for all of them to see. From what I know now, there was no excuse for that behavior. But you better believe I had every excuse for it then.

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I had a crucial decision to make at this particular bottom. Keep the inevitable downward, up-and-down death spiral going…or begin the necessary work required to fulfill the potential that I knew I had deep inside…that she also knew I had. She didn’t commit to a relationship with me where giving up was an option…and while I may have temporarily given up, I’m still here. It’s never too late, unless it’s too late. Dead. I too didn’t commit to a relationship where giving up would be an option.

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She’s had more than a dozen reasons to quit and give up. No one, including me, would have faulted her for either one of them either.

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A relationship is bound to fail when one teammate is doing all the lifting. She did a lot of heavy lifting during those tumultuous times that no one knew about.

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She’s the best example of a human I’ll ever meet. I strive to be more like her everyday.

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My personal life choices/experiences drug us both through the trenches of hell. We never think what the consequences of our choices will be on those around us. The ones we are supposed to love and care about the most. Whatever consequences we may experience from our choices…our loved ones will get an amplified version. Know this.

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We’ve both finally began emerging from those trenches and flames. We’re not the same people as when we went in. We’re both proud of what we’ve been able to endure, both as individuals and as a team. We hope our kids will never have to experience the difficulties we’ve had to face, but if they do, they’ll have an example to follow of what it means to never quit.

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Brighter days are always ahead. ALWAYS.

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I didn’t realize it at the time, but yesterday was the 1yr date from my last surgery. I was laying in the back of the car coming home from it when I took this picture of Sam. That’s about all I remember of that day. That, and being pissed because they didn’t give me very many pain killers. My oh my how things have changed since my first surgery. That kicked off the beginning to the final bottom that I needed to experience. I went and got more within weeks. Everything was fine for awhile…before it wasn’t. Again. And there I was, at the bottom of a bottle. Again.

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Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.

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Rather than facing the pain head on, and working on fixing it, I ran away. Right back into a space that I knew wasn’t going to help. That’s the never ending up-and-down wave of addiction in a nutshell. Everyone knows it’s not going to help, but our brains tell us that it will, and that we’ll be able to handle it this time.🙄

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That’s a hellacious fight I wish upon no one. Besides terrorist and corrupt politicians.

Fuck them all.

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In the gym yesterday I was having another one of those feel good days like mentioned above…this time however, without any feel good drugs. I’ve been using this machine for months now, and once in awhile it get’s to me(last week), yesterday I got to it.

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While I’ve gotten better at listening to my body through these years. I still believe it needs pushed every once in awhile, otherwise it’ll never grow…per se. We’ll never know that we’re capable of more than we tell ourselves, if we never change the story.

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Back pain is back pain, I don’t care if you’ve had 20 surgeries or you’re experiencing “disc degeneration” disease…it’s all the same. I had that issue before my crash, and while we may not be able to remember pain from our past all that well, I know what I felt then is the exact same feeling I feel today. What we do about it tell’s all.

We either run from it…or we face it.

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This last fall is when I hit that bottom and finally made a change. After almost another full year of using pain killers.

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“Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.”

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That simple quote helped change everything.

We all get stuck in our own ruts.

Write that down and use it.

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I don’t know how my body will conform to what we’ve been doing these past few months. I can tell you that it didn’t, and still doesn’t like it.

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But I do.

What I feel inside is why I continue pounding it out day after day.

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7+yrs of turmoil and hard living isn’t going to be turned around in one day, one month, or maybe even in one year…but eventually things will line back out. I know this deep inside, and I know that I can’t stop until I’ve undone what I’ve done. Each day is a 1/2° to 1° course correction towards that goal.

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Yesterday was a 1° day for sure. Being able to push up 450lbs, with legs and a back that just a few months ago I believed were my weakest link(s)…simply unreal.